Monday, July 18, 2005

Why me?

Simone: She's my good friend that I met early last year while we were both going through a tough time professionally. I joke that she picked me up in a bar - she jokes that I'm an ass. Actually, the truth is somewhat in the middle (no, that doesn't mean Simone picked up a half-ass in a bar, thank you very much).

Here's the thing though; when we first met, she was very clear that what she most needed was a friend. Well, okey dokey, I do friend really well. And anyway I wasn't looking for a date since I'd only been separated from Kazia for about a year and a half at the time and wasn't ready to date yet (so sue me, I'm sensitive that way). As our friendship grew, it became clear to me that her feelings had changed. Simone started regularly telling me that she loved me. Of course I assumed at first that she meant it as a close platonic love. I was wrong. Then she started to make remarks about wanting to sleep(why do they call it "sleep" if no one does?) with me, and while it was very flattering (and arousing since she is a beautiful woman and I was a monk...) I had become absolutely clear in my mind that we weren't suited for each other on very core issues so I couldn't take advantage of her feelings for me and just "do her". More to the point, I'm not a reptile - I can control my baser instincts. I still believe she needs me more as a friend, and I'm stickin' wit' dat!

on that note, I must say that in addition to Simone being a real hottie, she's the total package. She's brilliant; she's funny; She's kind, and generous to a fault; she's built with extremely strong moral fiber; she makes truly offensive amounts of money; she's an honest to goodness Indian princess; she loves sex (she says); and she loves me unconditionally. Couldn't ask for more? Well then, that's why I couldn't do it. I know we would wake up a year from now, and I would probably feel the same way I do now and that would be so unfair to her. I love her too much to ever hurt her that way.

Oh!! The irony!


At Mon Jul 18, 02:14:00 PM, Blogger joanne said...

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At Mon Jul 18, 03:31:00 PM, Blogger NYaquaman said...

Dear Jo-Anne,

I didn't say what the core issues are because they are extremely personal and of a sensitive nature to her so I didn't feel I had the right to share those details with the world. I did however, share my feelings about them with Simone and I think our friendship is stronger because of that.

Regarding the other reasons she's wrong for me; well, I just don't love her in that way and never have. I don't get that amazing feeling when I look at her - the way I do when I'm in love with a woman. That feeling that I want to do almost anything within my power (and sometimes without)to make her happy and feel safe and always loved. The feeling that it's not 'work' to compromise with the woman I love.

While I love Simone, I don't feel the desire to share our lives with each other.

You have no idea how much I do believe in working things out and adapting to my partners differences. In fact, it's often the differences that I enjoy adopting because that keeps me from becoming so set in my ways that I lose the ability to enjoy all the curveballs life throws at me. I believe it's really true with all my being, and I live my life as best I can practicing it. I also know that you want to believe it but just can't remember how to.

Jo-Anne, you have no idea what I would do, or give up for the woman I love - and never consider it a hardship.

At Mon Jul 18, 05:15:00 PM, Blogger joanne said...

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At Mon Jul 18, 06:16:00 PM, Blogger NYaquaman said...

I just don't feel it when I look at her or think of her. It is what it is.

And of course packages exist. We're all packages - filled with really good stuff, and some bad stuff, and some junk we really need to throw out, and some packing peanuts too. ;-] I know some people who compartmentalize all the seemingly conflicting aspects of their lives. They too feel there are no packages and that nobody can see through their clever ruse - including themselves.

And speaking of packages: I hope you'll be able to receive yours today.

PS: I'm sorry you're have a rough time with your friend. I know what it's like to watch helplessly as someone you care about hurts themself. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you and your friend.

At Mon Jul 18, 07:34:00 PM, Blogger joanne said...

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At Tue Jul 19, 12:00:00 AM, Blogger NYaquaman said...

Don't worry about it, I know you're busy. I'll have an expediter handle the delivery.

As for the other stuff, I have faith in you. When you forget how wonderful you are, I'll be there to remind you.

Your pain in the ass

At Tue Jul 19, 03:49:00 PM, Blogger joanne said...

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At Wed Jul 20, 06:55:00 PM, Blogger freewriter said...

Wow, interesting conversation hereā€¦

I must say you are a better man than me. I'd probably have broken down at some point and let the reptile run loose.

At Thu Jul 21, 12:04:00 AM, Blogger NYaquaman said...

Actually freewriter, despite my original post, this conversation is really more about Jo-Anne and I.

At Mon Jul 25, 11:33:00 PM, Blogger MoDigli said...

Just thought I'd drop a little quote, from none other than Pepie Le Pew - the original expert of lovvvve!!! (or the original expert of unrequited love, which is what seems to be going on here!) ;)

"Love, she is blind, no?"

there's no explanation. It never makes sense!
God help us all!! And I hope everyone here finds their packages, whatever they are! (including me!) :))

Fun blog here, NY. Are you really a diver?

At Thu Aug 04, 11:16:00 PM, Blogger Karen said...

Well, thanks for being a good example to all and putting the feelings of others in front of your own "reptile" desires. And for being honest with her about it. That says a lot about you, in my opinion and not knowing you from Adam.


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