Zoinks! I'm a human teabag!

So, I spent the weekend teaching 50 firemen and firewomen how to conduct in-water rescue. Most of them are very good on land in a burning building but as soon as you plunk 'em in the drink, they become like rowdy teenagers at the local municipal pool - and as difficult to control. I need a bigger bat!

We were conducting drills in the Hudson river and I had them practicing spinal injury management with a mannequin but couldn't get proper control and feedback from that piece of plastic so I made my first mistake; I volunteered to let them use me as the drowned victim. They were supposed to roll me over in the water from a face-down position using a special technique to prevent additional spinal injury but since they had never tried it before and were, as I mentioned, like rowdy teenagers, they handled me like a ragdoll being washed in the kitchen sink.

Now, I have water up my nose.